open

In the past decade I have done many things, become things, lost things, found things.  I think about where I was 10 years ago today and I see a life driving down a road to a land more beautiful and scary than I could have ever imagined.  And I ended up miles away from where I thought I was going.  Thankfully.

In the last 10 years I have

become a mother

lost parts of myself and let parts be stolen in the night

forgot I was a writer

become the parent of a special needs child

found parts of myself that only needed a certain amount of light and love to come into being

turned immense pain and loss into power, knowledge and healing

watched the relationship I thought I would grow old in shrivel up and die a slow, painful death

helped heal a child with autism

learned that I could love a child not of my womb as if she were

tried to live in a holding pattern for too long, ran out of fuel, crashed into the side of a mountain

shook off someone else’s impressions of who I was and started to get to know myself again

watched someone I love be hurt over and over until she finally freed herself and found a love she deserves

listened to what my body was telling me

used what my body told me to heal from mental illness

allowed creativity to happen, learning to allow it to happen more

started on a path in one direction knowing it was the right one, only to have that path lead me somewhere I never imagined, knowing when I got there that was the right one too

on that path, stumbled across someone who I have certainly known in lifetimes before

learned not to question the plan the Universe has

fell hard and fast in love and knew it was right from the first second I laid eyes on him

learning to believe the good things others see in me as the truth about who I am

learning to let go and let myself be loved, deeply

learned what it felt like to have a dream realized and lost in virtually the same moment

feeling what it is like to have room in my relationship to stretch out and truly be who I am

There is so much more, so many moments and minutes that in their own way set out a ripple that would not reach the shores of fruition for years and years.

I go into this decade my heart entwined with this wonderful man I have had the pleasure and privilege of loving.  I go into this decade with a mission to let myself unfold, to nurture the creative parts of myself in whatever form they come, to mother my children in the way they deserve to be, and to grow with and alongside my children and my partner.  I am open.  I cannot wait to see what this year, this decade, this life has waiting for me.

last minute

I finished these Sunday on the way to a family party and am very thankful they are a lightening fast project. This was the second in the pair and it took me 30, maybe 40, minutes to do while the Man drove (love that).

Recipe:

These were a gift for someone with smaller hands than mine. 3 stitches will add about another inch circumfrence which is what I’ll do if I get around to making myself a pair (sometime after the holiday frenzy).

Lion Brand Landscapes 1 skein
Size 10 dpns

Loosely cast on 21 stitches (for older child or woman with small hands). I do this by casting on with the slingshot method around 2 needles held together. Carefully slide out second needle and divide stitches onto 3 needles being careful not to twist work.

Row 1 – 24 knit around.
Row 25, knit 2, cast off 4 stitches, knit 1 (you should have 3 stitches on this needle now). Knit to end of round.
Row 26, knit 1, cast on 4 stitches using backward loop, knit 2.
Row 27 – 32 knit around.
Row 33 bind off loosely.

Voilà!

last night

7:30 finishing up a late, picnic dinner in the livingroom (a favorite special treat)

8:00 watching The Grinch (the real one)

8:15 we interrupt this program to report the first substantial snow fall of the season

8:30 boots, coats, hats, mittens on

8:35 first family snow ball fight with perfect, clumping snow ball snow in the back yard

9:00 shed layers, drink hot cocoa

9:30 jammies

10:00  they sleep

morning in maine

.: pancakes with cashew butter and blueberry jam for Hopper :.

.: side of banana, on it’s last leg :.

.: tea :.

.: out of flour mix :.

after

As a working family, the end of the day is a tricky time.  By the time we’re in the door most nights it’s nearly 6.  Then there are the necessary tasks of dinner, making sure Pip’s homework is in the appropriate stage of done-ness, baths and then bed no later than 8.  Not a lot of time to carve out meaningful family moments.

On good nights we are able to create a fabric of time where those connections with them are interwoven in all the ‘task’ type stuff that simply needs to be done.

Last night upon walking in the door Pip asked if he could use the computer, Hopper asked to watch a DVD and momma, not a fan of screen consumption, said “not right now, why don’t you go into the sunroom and play”.  “Play?!?!” says Pip.  This word challenges him to no end because if there isn’t a screen or specific task laid out for him, he feels very uneasy.  I walked out to the sunroom with them to offer tantalizing things such as big paper on the easel, or perhaps a game.  I spotted this book that I’d snagged at a rummage sale a few weeks ago for ten cents.  I handed it to Pip and said “hey, check this out.  See if there’s anything in there you want to make” and since he was without major protest, I retreated to the kitchen to cook.

Within minutes, much to my surprise, he’d identified a project and was ready to get cracking.  Bean bags.  Very nice.  We talked about how felt would probably be best considering the materials we had at the ready (read: not many since the studio/office is yet to be unpacked …gasp…).  We discussed woven fabrics and unraveling and once he was convinced we were heading in the right direction, we got down to business.

Pip, a creature of rules, again surprised me by going against the grain of the book and choosing a square.  I never grow tired of watching him learn to be flexible and creative.

Hopper got in on things too, she wanted a heart shape which I happily cut out for her.  Pip was very concerned about her wielding a needle, but to his relief she got frustrated rather quickly and abandoned her heart with requests that I finish it up for her.  Under different circumstances, I would have taken a little more time and helped her work through it, but I was going between the stove and the two of them, so gave what I could trusting there would be other opportunities.

Black beans, a quick paper cone for a funnel and we had two bean bags.  They spent the rest of the time waiting for dinner squealing with delight and making up games with their new bean bags (with a few pit stops for minor repairs).

I’m surprised at how much easier things are when I let go a little, when I let myself be flexible in the path I’ll take to reaching my goals.  The path to dinner was winding and went in circles at times, but in the end we were fed, they were happy with their new toys that they helped make and we succeeded in weaving in our basic family needs for nourishment of body and mind.  I’m not sure I could ask for much more.

at last

I did it!  Thirty posts in thirty days.  I’ve done NaBloPoMo for the past few years on my old blog, but last year was the first time I flopped it.  I feel like I kinda got my game back on.   And to celebrate… cookies (free of gluten, dairy, soy, corn and peanuts… but not taste!)

Recipe?  Sure. Fair warning though, these are still a work in progress, though darn near perfect.  They have a more ‘cakey’ texture than I recall cookies tasting like.  But if you’re like me and haven’t eaten ‘real’ gluten cookies in 4 years, you pretty much won’t care.  Okay, enough talking.

 

Nom Nom Cookies!

2 cups + 2 Tbsp flour mix*

1/2 cup +1 Tbsp brown sugar

1/2 cup + 1 Tbsp regular sugar

2 eggs

1/2 cup sunflower or safflower oil

2 Tbsp coconut milk

1 tsp vanilla**

1/2 cups chocolate chips, nuts or accoutrement of your choosing.

Mix flour mix* and sugars together.  In a separate bowl, mix eggs, oil, milk and vanilla.  Add egg mixture to flour mixture.  Blend well, use your hands if you have to (nom, nom, then you get to lick your fingers off after!!).  Add chips, nuts, etc, blend well (do this before you lick your hands off if you went that route).

I scoop out about a Tbsp worth and roll into a nice ball and place on a cookie sheet.  They should be a bit smaller than golf balls.   Bake 9 – 11 minutes at 375 degrees.  Often times the cookies come out better if the dough sits overnight in the fridge.  I’ve not been able to do this very often, you know, self-restraint and all.  But if you’re will power is stronger than mine, by all means go for it.

Yield: approx 2 dozen cookies that will disappear like lightening

*Flour Mix

adapted from this recipe

2.5 cups brown rice flour

1.5 cups millet flour

1.5 cups tapioca starch OR potato starch

1 Tbsp + 1 tsp guar gum

2 tsp salt

3 Tbsp baking powder

I make up a bunch of this and keep it in a canister on the counter.  1 cup mix + 1 egg + 1 cup milk makes lovely pancakes.

** I get gluten-free, corn-free vanilla extract by making my own using vanilla beans and this yummy local vodka. (I generally don’t consider vodka ‘yummy’, but add a bunch of vanilla beans and let it hang around for a bit and yummy is the word).

 

Eat and be merry!

list

Now that Thanksgiving is over and, for me, the winter holiday season is officially here, I have lots of ideas flitting around in my head.  I’m trying to keep track because in my old age, ahem, sometimes things don’t stick around in my head as long as they used to, if you know what I mean.  The book is a small moleskine that I keep in my bag at all times for writing myself notes, snippets of poems that rattle up there, and ideas of grandeur (and miniature) that I have.  And round about this time of year, the holiday gift list gets underway.

Every year the kids get one handmade gift for solstice.  For the rest I try to do themes… 1 gift each for mind, body and spirit, 1 clothing gift, 1 book and then Santa, the generous fella he is, drops by a gift or two.  And stockings.  I have lots of ideas, but I can’t really talk about them because Pip, the little scamp, reads the blog on occasion.  We’ve had lots of conversations this year about peeking and knowing what’s going to be under the tree and why that’s no fun.  He’s not buying it.

Oh… any thoughts on what I can do about this (below)?  The binding on my little moleskine split off and all the pages are threatening to pull out, which saddens me.  I’m not sure how best to repair it.  Any thoughts?

new

The newest, in our family, my ‘niece’.

I wish the internet was scratch and sniff because I couldn’t get enough of her soft, sweet head and I wish everyone could have just a little whiff.

old

I discovered this gem a few weeks back at my favorite local rummage sale.  It’s warm, bright, and just the right weight.  It was wedged in a stack of blankets.  I plucked out 3 wool blankets and then spotted this just as I was about to walk away.

See that salmon color fabric peeking out – whoever pieced this together repurposed an old cotton blanket as the batting.  I love how some of my generation who are finding their way into repurposing and reusing and frugalizing and stretching things think they (we?) are such pioneers, and in our generation we are.  But for our grandmothers, great-grandmothers and even our mothers, such ideology and practices were just life.  You used what you had, and reused and found new life for it until there was no life left in it.  And then maybe you asked a neighbor if they had a use for it.

My new favorite place to be is snuggled up under this on the couch, perhaps watching a bit of something on Hulu with the Man, with needles and wool in my hands.

grateful

There is always so much to be thankful for, especially when we are able to slow down enough to see and feel all the good in our lives. 

I have so much to be thankful for.  So much.  I would never have guessed that my life would be where it is today, yet it is rich and full and even through the bumpy spots, there is light.  Always.

I am thankful for…

my sweet brand new ‘niece’ and the smell of her soft, downy head

the man I am so blessed to wake up next to every morning and curl around and fall asleep with every night

Hopper and the joy she sees in the world, how much she adores her momma and her brother and her pepere and memere and the Man, and witnessing her incredible imagination in action

Pip and his sheer innocence, how clever he is, how much he has grown and changed, and how even though he is a different boy than he once was, he is intrinsically who he always was (just with less ‘noise’ from the Aspergers)

my mother and that I have always felt loved, unconditionally, no matter the circumstances

my sister’s dry, witty sense of humor and that she’s always good for telling you just how it is

my almost teenager niece and how much she is her very own person already

the strong web of connections I have with my family and how that web has extended to my children and they know the joys of large, loud family gatherings, good food, and enormous amounts of love